Monday, August 14, 2006

KANK -- Kuch Nahi Hota Hai

I saw Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (KANK), last Saturday. I disliked the movie. It just did not connect. It did not made much sense to me. It is supposed to be a look at marriage from the point of a view of director (Karan Johar), who at 34 is unmarried.

The plotline/storyline of the movie is at this link .

What you read below is mostly fictional.

Since the screenplay of the movie is co-written by my (imaginary) cousin Shibani Bathija, I decided to call Shibani about many things which annoyed me in the movie:

Hello, is this Shibani?

Yes, it is her. Who is this?

This is Raju, your cousin

Oh, cousin Raju. How do you do? Have you seen KANK?

I am good. Yes I saw it and did not liked it.

Why why why?

Oh, it was just rubbing salt on the wounds of a married man. I did not liked it. I wanted to talk to you about it, since you have co-written the screenplay.

[seems quite annoyed] Then talk to Karan Johar, the director of the movie. Nowdays he is eager to establish communication with anyone about KANK.

Communication? Oh, you mean, he is willing to talk to anyone about his movie.

Yes, I mean that. I have been reading P.G. Wodehouse recently. Ok. I will call you after I have fixed the time with K. Jo.

Arre you writing a script based on PGW book?

Keep guessing.

After few days, cousin Shibani very kindly set up a meeting with Karan Johar at a local Coffee Shop. This is what I recall from our conversation. [My questions are in regular text and replies by K. Jo, sorry Karan Johar are in italics.]

Karan, you look dashing in Pink shirt.

Thanks Raju. Inside I am bundle of nerves. I am wearning Pink shirt so that I can be in Pink of Health.

Oh. I see. Good. Tell me how do you got the idea to make KANK.

I was having lunch in a small place at London, where the tables were placed quite closely. I happen to overhear a couple talking. And they seems to be talking about going their separate way as their marriage has not worked out. What striked me that they were talking about it in a amicable way, even joking about it. I thought I have to tell their story to the world. I thought I will make a picture on this phenomenon.

And you made it?

Yes, I did. Tell me are you married?

Yes, I am, since last 15 years.

15 years is a lot of time. Did you ever think that you married a wrong person?

Sometime, but I let the feeling pass. Thankfully I saw KANK alone. For some strange reasons, my wife did not want to see this movie.

I wanted to tell the married persons that if they ae not happy with their marriages, they should go their separate ways.

Don't you think it may break-up many marraiges that way. Are not you advociating adultery among married persons?

No, no I am not. I am saying if they are not happy with their marriage, there is a way out.

What if they are not able to find their soulmate? Do you know why I am happily married? Do you want to know the secret.

Yes, yes, I do. Please pray tell me.

It is in this small poem `A word to Husbands' by Ogden Nash:

To keep your marriage brimming
with the love in the loving cup,
whenever you are wrong, admit it:
whenevery you are right, shut up.

I think most of the husbands all over follow it. What keep a woman happy or unhappy after marriage, science or poets have still to find out.

You did not liked my movie, then?

No, I did not. I tried to sympathise with the characters of SRK, Priety, Rani and Abhishek, but could not connect. I tried very very hard to figure out why Rani was unhappy with Abhishek, who played such a good husband to her, or what was wrong with their marriage, but could not. I only liked Amitabh in the movie. He made me smile and happy. Tell me, why was Shah Rukh Khan looked so bitter, cynical and unhappy in the movie?

Oh that was simple. He looked bitter, cynical and unhappy in the movie because he felt that way. Actually I made him drink Coca-Cola, instead of Pepsi, which he endorse, to get this effect. I had banned Pepsi throughout the shooting of the movie.

And Abhishek looked crestfallen because you told him to use Nokia mobile phone, instead of Motorola, which he endores.

Lucky guess.

Last question, why was your movie so long -- it was 3 hours 10 minutes 48 seconds long?

Well, I love long movies. I think a movie should never end !

Do you know what Alfred Hitchcock had said about the length of a movie: ``The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder''. Make your next movie 120 minutes long. Thank you.


Kusum Rohra said...

I so so hope Odgen Nash was still here and single. ;)

Recently a friend of mine and I discussed that how difficult it is to just keep quite in an argument specially if you are wrong LOL!

Human bladder tolerance is just 150 Mins?

Raju Bathija said...

Kusum: Thanks for your comments.

I bet your friend must be a female. I find their perspective of an argument quite amusing.

Kusum Rohra said...

Ya rajuji you are right my it was a female friend I was discussing that with. I hope you are not being sarcastic when you say you find the female perspective of an argument quite amusing.

Raju Bathija said...

Kusum: No, I am not being sarcastic.