Cousin Shibani

A few days ago, I had taken a Flight of Imagination, in which I had an imaginary conversation with Kunal Kohli, director of Fanaa. I am taking another flight of imagination. This time I am having imaginary conversation with Shibani Bathija, writer of Fanna, and also my imaginary cousin.

Please be warned that what you read below is pure fiction, product of my imagination, directly from my mind, made up on the spur of moment. Anyting but the truth.

I had deleted Shibani's cell number from my mobile, as ordered by her. But I was surprise to get a call from her yesterday. She had not deleted my number, oviously. Here is what Cousin Shibani said to me on phone:

Me: Hello, who is this?

Female voice: This is Shibani

Me: Shibani who

Female voice: Shibani, your cousin

Me: Oh it is Cousin Shibani. I thought you have told me not to call you.

Shibani: But I never said I will not call you, you idiot.

Me: Yes, you are right. Okay, tell me why you had called me?

Shibani: What newspaper do you read?

Me: I always read old newspapers. Old news seems quite good. The current news is always depressing. I am presently reading newspaper dated April 25.

Shihani: You are really an idiot. Do you read DNA newspaper. It is very good newspaper. They have published my interview in it. Please read and tell me what you think.

Me: I still think Fanaa was a lousy movie.

Shibani: Okay okay. You dont have to say it again and again. Last time you had interviewed Kunal, this time you can interview me. I will answer all your silly questions.

Me: Where do you live?

Shibani: I live in my home (laughs uncontrollably). [After few seconds' pause] I will sent my car over to you. I live just above Hotel Kailash Parbat in Colaba. Yashji is very happy man these days. He has gifted me a new car with a driver and petrol vouchers for a year.

Me: Yes, I know where Hotel Kailash Parbat is. But anyway send the car. It will be fun to come in the car. Which car you have been gifted?

Shibani: It is Toyoto Innova. Listen, you live in Ulhasnagar, so bring 5 kilos of papads and 2 kilos off sev burfi for me.

Me: Okay, I will not bring anything [and I disconnect phone immediately]

So, last evening Shibani sent her driver to me office and I went to her home at Colaba, and this is what I remember from our conversation.

Me: Cousin Shibani, your home is very beautiful. But the most delightful is the aroma of ragda patties coming from the Hotel below. I hope we will be eating patties soon.

Shibani: Thank you Thank you. Forgot about patties. Kailash Parbat makes horrible patties. Have tea instead. It is green chinese tea.

At this point the naukar of Shibani brings tea in the smallest cups I had ever seen, a plate containing 4 Marie biscuits and a glass of water. Now, I was expecting to be fed snacks from Kailash Parbat and have not eaten anything after lunch and as such was feeling very hungary. Words cannot describe your feeling when you expect to be offered Chole Patties, Pakodas etc, but have to eat Marie biscuit. But I had to bite the bullet, sorry Marie biscuit and to ask Shibani my silly questions.

Me: Shibani, tell me why Fanaa had all these silly shayaris? Why were Aamir and Kajol not talking like normal people?

Shibani: You did not like the shayaris? You know writing shayaris is my first love. I consdier myself a poetess. Writing scripts is my fifth love. I will soon be publishing collection of all my shayaris, I will sent you a free copy to you.

Me: Anything free is okay with me, but please do not send me that book.

Shibani: Why why?

Me: I am allergic to those kind of shayaris. After seeing Fanaa and listening to those ghatiya shaires of yours, I had serious skin problem and had red rashes all over.

Shibani: Then I will use more of these shayaris in KANK. Imagine Amitji saying all my great shayaris. Imagine Amitji saying `Kabhi Alvida No Honge, No Honge, No Honge, etc. etc. Did I tell you my latest shayarii which I had written today morning?

Me: Where is the bathroom?

Shibani: Okay, okay, I will not tell you.

Me: Who is KANK? Another cousin of yours?

Shibani: KANK is Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. It is a movie. You are really an idiot.

Me: Oh that is your next picture, isn't it? But before that tell me why you had made the character of Kajol blind in Fanaa?

Shibani: Cousin Raju, the basic story of Fanaa was this: There is a blind girl whom no one likes particularly, except for a boy who loves her madly. The girl's only wish was if she could see, she will marry the boy who loves her so much. One day she is told that a person is donating her eyes to her and she will be able to see after an operation. After the operation the boy request her to marry him, but when she come to know that the boy who loves her so madly is blind, the girl refues to marry him. The boys goes away and after many many years the girl came to know the boy who loved her madly had donated his eyes to her. Isn't it a cute story?

Me: Yes it is. What about Man on a Mission and Kashmir?

Shibani: That was Yashji's idea. He wanted to make two films, one romantic type film and one action film, and combine them together.

Me: And in the end, the film is neither of them. Tell me about KANK? What it is about?

Shibani: It is about life after marriage. KANK is about Shahrokh who is married to Rani, and about Abhishek who is married to Priety. But all four of them are unhappy because they have married the wrong person. After 4 hours' drama and songs and dancing and silly Jhonny Leaver jokes, Sharokh gets to marry Priety and Abhishek to Rani.

Me: (Yawning) Is that all? The story seems very boring.

Shibani: All movies of Karan are boring. After seeing any of his movie, you love your own life more.

Me: What elese these characters do besides thinking that they have married the wrong person?

Shibani: Oh, all four of them are active blogges. Each of them has their own blog. When they are not singing and dancing, they are writing their feelings on the blog.

Me: And what role Amitji plays?

Shibani: Amitji plays the role of Blogmaster.

Me: What is Blogmaster? Near heard of such a thing.

Shibani: Blogmaster is a person who controls other people's blog. I told Amitji if Abhishek can play Bluffmaster you can play the role of Blogmaster.

At this point, the aroma of Chole Pattice was too much for my empty stomch. I somehow wanted to run away to the Hotel below and satisfy my hunger.

Shibani: Did you know Aamir will be producing a movie in which he will be playing role of Chief Minister of Gujarat. He wants to show his love for the people of Gujarat. We have finalized the script and the title of the movie.

Me: Really, what is the title of the movie. Is it Dil Wale Dam Leke Jayenge or Dam Liya Dard Liya,

Shibani: You are really an idiot. It will called either Dam Bhi Tera, Hum Bhi Tere or Dam aur Mohabbatain.

Me: How about Dam -E - Nadaan?

Shibani: Good suggestion. I will call Aamir right away.

Me: It was nice talking to you. I will leave now. Please tell your driver to drop me at the railway station.

Shibani: Take a taxi or bus, the driver has gone to watch Fanaa for the 15th time.